Mixed signs ahead.

I try my hardest not to let my insecurities shine through, but when you like a guy and suddenly his behavior does a total one-eighty, I have no idea what to think. It’s always easiest to say “is it me?”, even when you know it isn’t. I’m so pissed because I really let myself like him. As much as I want to be this strong, “independent” woman, I’m still a big pile of vulnerable goo.

Blah.

Craft Corner - table for one.

I've fallen in love with my glue gun. It's true. That beautiful, simple device has both burned and healed me more times that I care to recount. In light of a recent "breakup", I've been bitten by the retail therapy bug, but I've been fighting off the urge to indulge. We're in a recession, after all (hehe).

I really, REALLY wish I knew how to sew. Deconstruction and reconstruction of clothing has been an interest of mine for such a long time, but without a sewing machine it's extremely time consuming, labor intensive, and demands a lot of undivided attention. "If only I had the time and energy to spare" - I find that I've said that so often over the last few years. Lately, life has shown me that we need to make time for the little things that make us happy. It's difficult, but I'm truly pushing for the first time in what feels like ages. Finally pushing for one small thing that I want. I hoping beyond hope that this is the beginning of a pattern for me.

Grit and Grime

Summer somehow brings on thoughts of change and improvement. Maybe it's the fact that I'm out of school and have significant amounts of free time (when I'm not slaving away in retail hell), but the idea of sitting idle annoys me to no end.

In this round, change is manifesting itself in the massive eradication of household goods. That's right. Decades worth of things representing a life we've been building are being boxed up and sent into storage. It's strange to see it go. I've gotten so used to seeing the weird knick-knacks on the shelf in the dining room, though I can't remember when or why we got them. And that hot dog toaster that's been collecting dust in the cabinet in the kitchen. The things that have been there just because they can be. Yeah. Shipped out to be combed through at a later date. Seeing all this space open up reminds me of days when we had first moved into the house. Laying on the floor in the middle of my room on the plush pink carpet, daydreaming of what furniture and I could put in there. Now if only we could do something about that pesky, too-small-for-my-fabulousness closet...

On the fangirl side of life, Twilight fandom is kicking up again. Well, not that it's ever really calmed down, but I'm getting more anxious to see New Moon. I pretty much got all my friends at work into the series (Movies, that is. For some reason these chicks don't want to give the books a chance! So lazy...) and even though we're all planning on jumping the company ship, we still want to go see it as a group. I didn't go to the Twilight midnight premier, but if I have a larger group to go with this time I might brave the hormonally charged adolescent crowds at snag some seats.

Now that AMA (www.animemidatlantic.com/) is over, I'm excited about attending Nekocon. I'm pretty much Nerdzilla at work, but I can't help it. When convention season comes around I let my quirky tendencies and flightful fancies run amuck and just "nerd out" for the weekend. It's a neat little vacation from the everyday tedium that's slowly, but surely, killing us all. Lighten up! Live. Laugh. Love. And give/get more free hugs!

(After a long absence, I'm resolved to try to find my way back to journaling/blogging. I've really forgotten its therapeutic benefits.)

Tis the season.

Perhaps it is only in a state of delirium that I am able to write, but I am grateful nonetheless. If I can seize just a moment to try to sort out my deranged thoughts and hyper-sensitive feelings (which, at this point, are borderline paradoxical), I'll take it. I haven't been faced with this type of all-encompassing obstacle in a long time. I'm sitting here in the middle of my dark living room watching this blinking beacon of contemporary Christmas joy, and I'm just...apathetic. I guess it has to do with several factors that have been weighing on me for quite some time now.

1. Working in retail during the holiday season tends to suck all the joy out of it. DOA, as it were.

2. My "best friend" and I aren't speaking. Haven't spoken in more than a month, really. Well, unless you count that one quick "hello" in passing at work.

3. I've become a modernistic hermit, taking joy in finding books (over and over), indulging in my inner audiophile, and crafting my little heart out.

My social life has become noticeably empty, yet it surprises me to see that it doesn't bother me as much as it should. These days I actually LIKE keeping to myself. When I go out I can still carry on perfectly friendly conversations and small-talk it up like a champ, but I don't feel like making the effort to let anyone in at the moment. I have my Twilight Saga, my Hana Yori Dango, and my Bar Grooves compilation. It'll do...for now.

In my new role as social pariah I've come to learn new things about myself. I actually do like doing my nails (contrary to prior belief). I have a lot of unnecessary excess in my life and in my living space. It wasn't two months ago that I owned over 40 pairs of shoes (I know, it's shameful). I've whittled the collection down to about 15 pairs (sans flip flops, as those don't count as actual shoes). My once crammed closet has been processed and refined into a fairly sophisticated, cute wardrobe. Most pieces that I can wear all year long (give or take a few layers).

My artistic ideals have developed a bit more. I'm interested in broadening my horizons. Knitting, glass-blowing, metal-smithing, woodwork and carpentry. I want to try and tackle all of it. Ambitious? Absurd? Maybe. But the idea of creating and actualizing the things of dreams moves me in way I can't possibly begin to explain.

Though I'm at a stage in my life that is supposed to be fun-filled and perpetually amped, I'm just not. I don't need the flash and flare of young night life. A hot cup of green tea and honey, a good book, and something easy on the ears. These are a few of my favorite things.

Just keep swimmin'.

Honestly, this must be a personal record for me.

I don't think I've ever been through so many ups and down in a single month. October kicked off to a promising start. The temperatures were cooling down, there was a certain crispness in the air - it finally felt like fall. Somewhere in that first week things suddenly got derailed.

My best friend's father lost a three year battle with lung cancer. I knew she would be deeply affected by the loss, but I had no idea just how much she would change. She's turned me into her punching bag, and at first I stood there and tried to weather her torrential mood swings with her, but she's taken it too far. We work at the same store, but rarely are we scheduled for the same shift. There was one such occasion when he happened to work together, and I delighted in the theory of it all. Me + best friend (working together...same shift) = extremely fun times.

Oh, how wrong I was.

She dogged the hell out of me. At work. In front of our colleagues and regulars. In my humble opinion, she crossed a line. I understand mourning, but there is a fine line between being a good friend to you and being a fool. J, you clearly need time to yourself, and even if YOU don't need it, I do.

Rough waters ahead, so as I started crossing things off my many lists, hopefully I can sort out my thoughts and feelings. I miss writing, miss reading (i.e. playing voyeur to the lives of others), and I miss...me.

The Sound of Creation

I am thrilled to find that I am still moved by art in unspeakable ways. Ways that make me feel alive, wide-eyed, and connected with all in the universe. It might sound cliché, but I suspect that there are many out there who would understand what I'm saying. I'm taking a modern art class (an indulgence on my part) and my professor set what she calls a "looking assignment". We have to go to a gallery, observe an original work of art, and write a reflective essay on the piece. In general, it sounds simple - cut and paste, black and white...and yet somehow it turned into so much more.

Over time I've developed a general distaste for the masses. Modern society has bred such rude, self-centered, egotistical, greedy (need I go on?) people who trudge through life and drag other people along. We become so engrossed in our own lives that we often forget that there are other people that take our actions (or neglect) to heart. I am one of those people that can be so affected by the attitudes and "vibes" of others. As the daily ritual consumes my life, I forget that there are other people suffering the same commonplace woes. That there are vibrant, beautiful, spiritual, and emotionally aware beings that are dying to channel that energy into something, anything, to convey those feelings - that moment.

I suppose for the first time in a long time I'm actually really grateful for homework, heh.

When you walk into the Charles H. Taylor gallery on any given day, you're usually greeted by complete silence and the smell of oil and acrylic paints. As I began to walk around I noticed that this exhibit was called "Family of Man". Profound title? Yeah, but I often feel somewhat overwhelmed when I'm surrounded by large-scale works of art, so that wasn't surprising to me. What did surprise me was the incredibly powerful feeling of awe that washed over me. That there are artists out there with the vision to see what typically isn't be seen has always amazed me. It's hard to explain, but perhaps one day I'll find the words. Here's a few photos from the gallery. None of these pieces belong to me, nor did I create them.

This particular piece is called Cyber Family. I love multimedia works, and this sculpture is a prime example of what makes modern man tick. Technology is both a blessing and a curse. It can brings us closer, or drive us further than ever before.

I suppose I can only immerse myself in art, and in life, and hope that someday I'll have the vision (and maybe a sliver of talent) to make something that can move people the way I have been so moved.

Something old, something new.

Time seems to have just flown by. It's both a blessing and a curse. I'm desperately trying to get back to the things that make me happy, truly happy, and that's proving to be more difficult than I originally thought. I want to get back to my art. There are times when I really miss my life of quiet contemplation and deep introspective reflection. I don't feel like myself at the moment. My entire life is currently consumed by lists, schedules, agendas, plans, commitments, responsibilities, etc. Modern life in the civilized world can be so mundane.

But on that note, it's a catch-22. While I hate the fast-paced, high-stress commonality of society, I absolutely adore the music, the impossibly cute techy-gadgets, and the conquering of the unknown. The dichotomy often leaves me feeling confused and more than a bit lost. As humans we are never satisfied. We keep reaching for what should technically be out of reach. While this can be quite upsetting, there is little I can do to fight it.

For once in the duration of my college career I feel like I'm finally taking a class that I can actually learn something from. Something that has meaning. Something of value. My religions class constantly gives me something to chew on. There is so much insight and perspective to be absorbed and appreciated. For instance, the cloistered lives of devout worshippers such as monks and nuns. Lives in which material possessions hold no value, and in which their relationship with God takes TOP priority. Even though many of these people had lives before they made their vows, they ultimately find happiness in seclusion. It's hard for me to explain, but something about that moves me in indescribable ways. I have great admiration for people that find themselves and live peaceful and joyful lives. I can only hope that I may someday arrive at that place.