Everyday is a new battle

Today I was faced with some serious thoughts about myself. I don't really have a strong sense of self worth, and I think it's causing me to shut down emotionally. Instead of crying for those I care for, I'm becoming more and more apathetic. Can't say it's something I'm proud of. In fact, I might even go as far as to say that it's quite shameful. Where is that warm, mushy feeling I used to get? I miss that. I miss crying over a good, heart-wrenching moment. A REAL one. I cry more when I watch TV or movies. In a word, ridiculous.

It's easy to blame him for a lot of my pain, but I'm scared of what will be left after I lose that excuse. What validation will I have?

It's becoming absolutely unbearable, living like this. So much of my life is a lie and it always comes back to bite me...ten times over. I'm beginning to wonder if I'll ever be able to break away. I'm just tired of being miserable. I'm doing all that I can do to fight it, but what more can I do? The happy times are short, superficial, and fleeting at best. Before I have time to marinate in the joy, it's gone. Contentment is a perpetual tease, leaving me feeling unfulfilled, frustrated, and all the more deprived.