Seeing beyond the veil of reality.

As of today I'm pretty sure that school is a wonderful distraction from my manic depression. From the time that I wake right up until the time that I'm about to pull up to my house, everything is peachy keen. Then I walk through that door and the adrenaline stops pumping. Those endorphins stop dancing through my bloodstream and "the crash" happens. That's when the darker emotions that lie just beneath the surface start to surge and the upheaval is enough to knock me flat on my ass.

Prime example, 5 September 2008 - 7pm EST:

I went to my wireless service provider to inquire about getting my phone replaced. I had previously visited, not even a week ago, and was asked "if I had time" to check my phone in for an hour. Truth be told, I really didn't. The first week of school is always hectic and I NEED to have my phone on me at all times. The manager assured me that when I was ready I would be able to bring my phone back in and have it checked. Now maybe I've gone batty, but that led me to believe that it wouldn't be a problem for me to get it replaced free of charge (I should probably mention that I had just gone through this process with my brother's phone not three weeks prior to this incident).

I brought the phone back last night in hopes of having a replacement ordered for me tonight, but the kind representative told me that because of a small chip I have on the casing, near the hinge, that it would void out any service they could provide me in-store. Um, excuse me? You can imagine that this was somewhat of a shock for me to hear. As she began explaining the finer details of the insurance policy I had been paying for with my phone, my heart was sinking more and more. Not only was I experiencing that disappointment, but it was leading to much more profound emotions, like rage. I decided to walk out of the store with some sort of dignity and call customer service one I got into my car. As I do so, I say some sort of silent prayer that the verdict will be somewhat different. Alas, it's the same. I'm listening to the CSR give me my options and I feel my lip begin to wobble, which confuses me to no end. The tears are beginning to fall and suddenly the dam breaks. There's no stopping it now. My poor brother is in the car with me trying to console me, calm me, anything to find out what is going on. The worst part is that I really don't know when that switch flipped, but it was an intense experience. I guess the little disappointments of everyday life catch up to me once in a while, and today was one of those days.

I like to think that I'm pragmatic person and that it aids in my productivity, but I'm starting to wonder if I should reach beyond that. Life as it is right now has become extremely mundane and that I have this insatiable need for a success that goes beyond the realm of most modern definitions of the word. Soul searching, spirit questing...call it what you will, but all I know is that I definitely, and desperately, need more.

Storm's a-brewin'.

So here it is a b-e-a-utiful Friday. I have one short class and the day off from work. It sounds wonderful, doesn't it? I'm going to try to soak in as much relaxation as I can for today, because tomorrow that bitch Hannah is supposed to rain down on us and lord knows what kind of chaos a few gusts of wind and some torrential downpours will cause. If I'm lucky it won't be enough to cause major damage, but just enough for the higher-ups to say, "No use making them go in when no one else will be out." Yeah. That's more like it.

Yesterday was kind of a rough day and I can't for the life of me figure out why. I woke up on time, got to school on time, and even had lunch with my brother (which is always nice), but by the time I got to work I was in a right foul mood. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that I wasn't able to squeeze in the 30-minute power nap I was so hoping for. Or maybe it was because of how bloody hot it was outside. Either way, it made for an incredibly long and painful night.

I think my only saving grace was this little family that came in. An older gentleman, his wife, and his younger sister. I could tell from the way that they sort of skirted some of my questions that something had happened. Something rather serious, in fact, that warranted the sister's relocation. She walked in with her hair kind of messy, a lazy, slapped-together outfit, and a somewhat frightened look on her face. I'm kind of used to this, since a lot of the women that walk into the store either don't like to try on clothes in-store or just don't like you butting into their business. SORRY MISSY, but that's kind of my job (well, somewhat). This family was different though. I gave my input, helped pick out clothes and put together outfits, and they really appreciated it. I could see the woman's spirits rising a bit and for the first time in a while, I felt satisfied with my job. I signed on to this gig so I could help women feel good about themselves. Sure, clothing is kind of a superficial "quality" to be proud of, but when you think you look good, you feel good. Call me crazy, but it's kind of a universal fact. I wish all my customers could be like her. If that was the case, I'm pretty sure I'd love my job.

So after getting home at 9:50 I changed into my pajamas, crashed on the couch and didn't move an inch for the rest of the night. Let's hope today I can be a bit more productive, haha.

Everyday is a new battle

Today I was faced with some serious thoughts about myself. I don't really have a strong sense of self worth, and I think it's causing me to shut down emotionally. Instead of crying for those I care for, I'm becoming more and more apathetic. Can't say it's something I'm proud of. In fact, I might even go as far as to say that it's quite shameful. Where is that warm, mushy feeling I used to get? I miss that. I miss crying over a good, heart-wrenching moment. A REAL one. I cry more when I watch TV or movies. In a word, ridiculous.

It's easy to blame him for a lot of my pain, but I'm scared of what will be left after I lose that excuse. What validation will I have?

It's becoming absolutely unbearable, living like this. So much of my life is a lie and it always comes back to bite me...ten times over. I'm beginning to wonder if I'll ever be able to break away. I'm just tired of being miserable. I'm doing all that I can do to fight it, but what more can I do? The happy times are short, superficial, and fleeting at best. Before I have time to marinate in the joy, it's gone. Contentment is a perpetual tease, leaving me feeling unfulfilled, frustrated, and all the more deprived.