Perhaps it is only in a state of delirium that I am able to write, but I am grateful nonetheless. If I can seize just a moment to try to sort out my deranged thoughts and hyper-sensitive feelings (which, at this point, are borderline paradoxical), I'll take it. I haven't been faced with this type of all-encompassing obstacle in a long time. I'm sitting here in the middle of my dark living room watching this blinking beacon of contemporary Christmas joy, and I'm just...apathetic. I guess it has to do with several factors that have been weighing on me for quite some time now.
1. Working in retail during the holiday season tends to suck all the joy out of it. DOA, as it were.
2. My "best friend" and I aren't speaking. Haven't spoken in more than a month, really. Well, unless you count that one quick "hello" in passing at work.
3. I've become a modernistic hermit, taking joy in finding books (over and over), indulging in my inner audiophile, and crafting my little heart out.
My social life has become noticeably empty, yet it surprises me to see that it doesn't bother me as much as it should. These days I actually LIKE keeping to myself. When I go out I can still carry on perfectly friendly conversations and small-talk it up like a champ, but I don't feel like making the effort to let anyone in at the moment. I have my Twilight Saga, my Hana Yori Dango, and my Bar Grooves compilation. It'll do...for now.
In my new role as social pariah I've come to learn new things about myself. I actually do like doing my nails (contrary to prior belief). I have a lot of unnecessary excess in my life and in my living space. It wasn't two months ago that I owned over 40 pairs of shoes (I know, it's shameful). I've whittled the collection down to about 15 pairs (sans flip flops, as those don't count as actual shoes). My once crammed closet has been processed and refined into a fairly sophisticated, cute wardrobe. Most pieces that I can wear all year long (give or take a few layers).
My artistic ideals have developed a bit more. I'm interested in broadening my horizons. Knitting, glass-blowing, metal-smithing, woodwork and carpentry. I want to try and tackle all of it. Ambitious? Absurd? Maybe. But the idea of creating and actualizing the things of dreams moves me in way I can't possibly begin to explain.
Though I'm at a stage in my life that is supposed to be fun-filled and perpetually amped, I'm just not. I don't need the flash and flare of young night life. A hot cup of green tea and honey, a good book, and something easy on the ears. These are a few of my favorite things.
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3 comments:
Sounds like you're doing quite well, really, or at least I can draw a lot of parallels with my own life (and I think I'm doing okay).
1. Holiday season retail does suck. That's what I did through college. I still think it beats restaurant work, though.
2. This happens to me sometimes too. It sucks. I don't think I've ever had a successful long term recovery from this. Usually even if there's a recovery, whatever it was that made us stop talking is still there and flares up again later. People: can't live with em...pass me a donut.
3. I've been a modernistic hermit for years! Like you, I can go out and keep the conversation rolling and be downright chipper but I'm always glad to get home. My social life was largely void (until I met Claire, and even there we mostly like to go home and watch movies or read) and that didn't bother me much (except when a good movie came out and I couldn't think of anyone I wanted to see it with...)
I think I've said before that self-analysis is an often overlooked tool. People get so busy with the "go go go!" lifestyle that they don't take the time to stop and think, and it's stopping and thinking that can give you a chance to become a better person.
I don't know if there is a stage of life that's "supposed" to be fun filled and perpetually amped. I've *always* preferred a good book to the night life. Some people can't understand that. They have to be entertained at all hours of the day, usually by other people. I tried keeping up with them one time but ultimately just went back to books and tea. And one day, some years later, I decided I should really find someone to enjoy books and tea with. And then I found someone to enjoy my books and tea with and all was well.
And then we broke up.
And then I found someone ELSE to enjoy my books and tea with.
Well, it's hard to get things right the first time. (Second and subsequent times also somewhat tricky.)
glad you updated. sucks about the best friend though. hope things work out, or the silence will reach a pinnacle where you guys can talk things out. check out my recent post. I tagged you for a blog "award"
Where'd ya go?
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