Seeing beyond the veil of reality.

As of today I'm pretty sure that school is a wonderful distraction from my manic depression. From the time that I wake right up until the time that I'm about to pull up to my house, everything is peachy keen. Then I walk through that door and the adrenaline stops pumping. Those endorphins stop dancing through my bloodstream and "the crash" happens. That's when the darker emotions that lie just beneath the surface start to surge and the upheaval is enough to knock me flat on my ass.

Prime example, 5 September 2008 - 7pm EST:

I went to my wireless service provider to inquire about getting my phone replaced. I had previously visited, not even a week ago, and was asked "if I had time" to check my phone in for an hour. Truth be told, I really didn't. The first week of school is always hectic and I NEED to have my phone on me at all times. The manager assured me that when I was ready I would be able to bring my phone back in and have it checked. Now maybe I've gone batty, but that led me to believe that it wouldn't be a problem for me to get it replaced free of charge (I should probably mention that I had just gone through this process with my brother's phone not three weeks prior to this incident).

I brought the phone back last night in hopes of having a replacement ordered for me tonight, but the kind representative told me that because of a small chip I have on the casing, near the hinge, that it would void out any service they could provide me in-store. Um, excuse me? You can imagine that this was somewhat of a shock for me to hear. As she began explaining the finer details of the insurance policy I had been paying for with my phone, my heart was sinking more and more. Not only was I experiencing that disappointment, but it was leading to much more profound emotions, like rage. I decided to walk out of the store with some sort of dignity and call customer service one I got into my car. As I do so, I say some sort of silent prayer that the verdict will be somewhat different. Alas, it's the same. I'm listening to the CSR give me my options and I feel my lip begin to wobble, which confuses me to no end. The tears are beginning to fall and suddenly the dam breaks. There's no stopping it now. My poor brother is in the car with me trying to console me, calm me, anything to find out what is going on. The worst part is that I really don't know when that switch flipped, but it was an intense experience. I guess the little disappointments of everyday life catch up to me once in a while, and today was one of those days.

I like to think that I'm pragmatic person and that it aids in my productivity, but I'm starting to wonder if I should reach beyond that. Life as it is right now has become extremely mundane and that I have this insatiable need for a success that goes beyond the realm of most modern definitions of the word. Soul searching, spirit questing...call it what you will, but all I know is that I definitely, and desperately, need more.